Stir Up the World

Closing the Teach For America Blogging Gap
May 09 2013

losing my grip

Transitions are rough, man. I’ve got 3 more weeks in Arkansas, and I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. There are so many thoughts and feelings floating inside me and I can’t seem to identify all of them. Here are a few:
-I feel like I’m losing my grip on my mind and my emotions. It’s an unsettling feeling, and I don’t like it.
-I’m sad & guilty to be leaving. I don’t want to be just one more person that floats in and out of my kids’ lives. I love my school and my kids. I’ll miss them.
-I’m eagerly anticipating the end of the school year (understatement), but I’m reeling that it’s actually almost over.
-I love my kids so much. I can’t believe how much.
-I’m vaguely looking forward to moving back to California — I know it will be amazing — but the prospect of moving to yet another new place and making all new friends and building my life all over again is tiring right now. I’m not exactly intimidated — I’ve moved before, and I can re-build my life — it just sounds tiring right now.
-I can’t believe how little money I have and, surprise surprise, I’m stressed out about paying for my trip back.
-I’m proud of myself for (almost) finishing TFA and having a relatively successful first two years of teaching.
-I’m still heartbroken that Finnick dies in Mockingjay. I’d never thought that anything would come close to the heartbreak of losing Mufasa in the Lion King, but this does.
-I’m glad to be a part of the teaching profession.
-I’m frustrated at how little teachers make, and I wonder if teaching is financially viable for me next year.
-I’m amazed at Nelson Mandela’s nobility. Just finished his autobiography.
-I’ve had the compulsive need to ruthlessly get rid of stuff in the last few days. I filled 2 trash bags yesterday.
-I’m grateful for books that allow me to escape reality.
-I’m anxious about the backlash from the yearbooks, which we handed out today.
-I feel tense at trying to maintain the balance between a healthy end-of-the-year relaxed classroom and still teaching the children something.

Bottom line, I thought I’d be more invigorated at the end of TFA. Maybe I will be when I have a better idea of what my new life will look like.

Okay, back to distracting myself. That’s enough thinking for now.

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    rural Arkansas, eh?

    Mississippi Delta
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    the title

    "If one desires to 'stir up the world,' it is easy to be impatient with work for the sake of work. Yet no story's end can forsake its beginning and its middle." -Joshua Wolf Shank on Abraham Lincoln